The Fucking Man

Mom-I Just Kissed A Carp!

2009-01-28T15:03:00.001-08:00

Nothing unusual here, right? Just three nut-popping blonds posing with a wax figure of Hugh Hefner at a museum. Happens all the time.

Bloody fucking hell, did you see that? Wax figure Hef just pitched a tent in his trousers!

Run girls, run, THAT FUCKING THING IS ALIVE!

Hurry! He's going to try to stick that thing in one of you! (WTF? Of all the guys you think would have worn out hips by now.) Whichever one of you he catches first has to play a game of "Free Rent Wrinkle Follies".

I mean, I know the other three girls have left and might be available (Holly & Cris? 6 months, tops) but I don't think I could touch one of those post wax figure Hef chicks unless she got scrubbed down with a wire hanger and had several visits from a professional fumigator. Just look at him. I don't even want any fucking sardines on my next pizza!

And I love sardines. Almost as much as I could have loved Holly Madison if she hadn't let Hef slide around on her until he hit what he thought was the right spot. Neither will touch a pizza of mine again. I have my standards.

Oh, it's also true that if you chop Hef's Viagra dick off he'll run around the yard humping for a few minutes before he dies.

Harry Potter Can Bite My Wand

2009-01-27T15:28:00.000-08:00

Hey, keep your wizardy witchcraft away from the First Children, Harry Potter. We know you like to recruit and start them young on this path of evil, I've seen all your movies, you sick, sick bastard. You glom onto them in elementary school, take them away from their parents and teach them to abuse owls. No more!

And don't think I didn't notice that there is a different Dumbledore now, you homicidal fuck. You just kill and replace the adults when they become inconveniences, don't you, Wizard Boy?

What really happened to your parents, Harry?

What kind of crap is this:

Describing President Barack Obama as "everything the rest of the world liked about America and now likes again,”

So you didn't like us while we were making you a rich, spoiled little wizard brat, is that what you're telling me?

Do you have any fucking idea what we do to boys who wear gowns to school here in America, Harry? Don't push us.

England really needs to get on board with the fact that, without us, they're just a poor man's France.

With shittier pastries.

Much shittier.

I'm gonna send a dementor right up this kid's ass if he keeps popping off. They know how to handle stuff.

Don't make me use the word "spooge"...

2009-01-26T14:31:00.001-08:00

Damn you, Miss America! You couldn't even let me finish the sentence before forcing it out of me, could you? Don't tell me that it happens to a lot of guys. I swear, it's never happened to me before.

One question: how the fuck do you ever walk away from a mirror? The Bible even says that if you strike a pose that sexy and see your reflection you will turn into a pillar of salt.

A pillar of fucking salt, Katie!

I don't even need to hear your voice, I know what you are telling me with that pose. You're saying I can look all I want but if I get too close you have the power to snap my neck with those rock hard thighs and my dying breath will be one of gratitude for the method of execution.

Yeah, I get it.

Hey, how about using a face full of an almost bare-assed Miss America to interrogate the terrorists? Five seconds with her and they'll start strapping themselves back onto the waterboards.

Yeah, dicklip, that's what's underneath the burqa!

Katie, you have the power to end terrorism and teach me to type one-handed, please don't abuse your awesomeness by doing something stupid like dating Charlie Sheen.

I love you.

Call me.

OK, Caterpillars Are Total Penises

2009-01-26T00:13:00.000-08:00

Seriously, are butterflies worth this shit?

The Fucking Man says no. A few minutes of "Ooh" and "Ahh" during the spring don't make up for having tens of millions of caterpillars raping and pillaging third world villages. I'm pretty sure that's what they did, anyway. I skim a lot.

If you can make these disgusting little fucks go away, I promise I'll start believing in global warming. I won't even accept an offer of hot sex from an even hotter woman unless she's limber enough to cowgirl up in a Prius.

It's a total brain-hump to think of nature having this much power. Imagine a different world where magicians could develop some kind of potion to spray on these things and kill them...

Seriously, how fucking easy is it to invade Liberia? If the caterpillars can overrun 45 towns, imagine what you and I could accomplish with guns and a can-do attitude. I have no idea what Liberia is like but these "take over a country before lunch" opportunities don't come along much any more. I don't even have to be a dictator, I just want a palace and a staff.

They'll give it to me or I'll bring back the caterpillars.

Total penises.

Another Reason Nature Sucks

2009-01-25T13:20:00.001-08:00

Motherflocking pigeons.

Can't just be content with invading our cities and literally shitting on the things most precious to us, can you, you ungrateful winged mini-Satans? Now you have to invade England?

What kind of fucking food do you think you'll get there that you can't find in New York? Man, pigeons are so not down with Zagat!

Yeah, I bet global warming will get the blame for this too. I wouldn't be surprised if every last one of these birds has been hiding in Al Gore's ass, feeding on nothing but hypocrisy and waiting to fly out and make a big drama queen point.

Just write me if you want me to set up a "Free BB Gun & Pigeon Shooting Lessons" page for the kiddies.

Make Me A Sammich!

2009-01-25T00:14:00.001-08:00

You just know that's what went through Simon Cowell's butt-cut British head when American Idol announced it was adding hottie Kara Dio...(fuck it, she's Italian and that's all we need to focus on) to the panel of judges.

Predictably, Randy Jackson threw out a "Yo dog, check it." But this time he did it without any pants on.

Look, per her contract, Paula Abdul has at least one public fit of insanity every season.

Oh, Girl on Girl gods, can you please make this season's psycho fit special? Maybe Paula could pop her girls out for the camera then linger a moment before she snakes her tongue down Kara's throat and they disappear under the table (FUCKING CENSORS!), only to resurface after several minutes of loud spanking sounds. And can it happen when whichever contestant we're supposed to pretend isn't gay this year is on stage?

Please, Girl on Girl gods, I haven't asked for a damn thing since Wild Things first hit theaters. That was back when Bill Clinton was president.

Bill Clinton, I say!

Hell, I'd even settle for Randy and Simon making the not-really-gay contestant sing "Ebony & Ivory" while they tried to work the sandwich deal.

If they start mackin' on each other though I will beat them mercilessly with Clay Aiken.

Goatjacking

2009-01-24T14:40:00.000-08:00

You probably thought this was about a sequel to that skin flick you watched at Trent's off-the-chain bachelor party, right before he threw up and told you that he thought he was too gay to go through with the wedding. You let him cry and gently cradled his head in your lap as he passed out, truer friends there never were. But that's a different thing...

This headline will take your world away from you and hand it back in a shape that can only be used for mindfucking:

Goat Arrested for Mazda Robbery

This isn't some hoaxy hoax kind of hoax, people, I got this from the Internet.

Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed said: "The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car.

"They pursued them. However, one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat.

Put on your preconception pants now. Not as comfortable as they used to be, huh?

Car thieves everywhere are probably thinking, "I gotta get me some of that goat turning into technology-how do I do it?"

Car thieves don't pay attention in school, if they did they wouldn't be car thieves. There's only one way to turn into a goat on the fly, which you would have known if you'd paid any attention in high school, assclamp: witchcraft (told you that shit was real).

Don't get too excited, son, witchcraft is even more illegal than grand theft auto.

This miscreant (Yeah, I know words!) must not be a very good witch because he's still in jail and he's still a goat. Sure, it's all harmless until some other witch who turned himself into a gorilla gets locked up and goes all "Oz" on you and makes you his dinner bitch.

We've learned two important lessons here today.

Crime just doesn't pay, even for witches.

Even goats prefer Japanese cars.

If UR Looking For A Bathroom

2009-01-24T14:13:00.000-08:00

Keith Olbermann's mouth is probably open. OK, it's not as clean as some other places you could relieve yourself but you will be doing everyone a service by shutting him up for a minute.

You all know you want to be more popular. This is your fucking chance people! Put Olbermann out of commission.

The chastity you save may be your own hamster's.

If you can't take the time out of your precious day to urinate on a sexual hamster predator, at least watch other people doing it. Well, they're not urinating on him, per se (That's Latin motherfucker-deal with it.), you know by the looks in their eyes that they want to.

TO-GA, TO-GA, TO-GA

2009-01-23T23:01:00.000-08:00

A week ago, she was Mrs. Obama. Now everyone calls her the First Lady. TFM kicks its mess off by bestowing its very first nickname: Chelle-O Pudding.

So what if she had her inaugural gown designed by some guy who spent his formative years jerking off to Spartacus?

Dat shit is still tight.

And it's my patriotic duty to crush on the occasional young-ish First Lady who comes along. Laura Bush was sweet and everything but not naughty librarian enough for my ass. And that guy that Bill Clinton was married to makes my fucking fish die every time he's on TV.

So I take my hat off to Chelle-O.

And I think you know where that hat was hanging.