OK, Caterpillars Are Total Penises

Seriously, are butterflies worth this shit?

The Fucking Man says no. A few minutes of "Ooh" and "Ahh" during the spring don't make up for having tens of millions of caterpillars raping and pillaging third world villages. I'm pretty sure that's what they did, anyway. I skim a lot.

If you can make these disgusting little fucks go away, I promise I'll start believing in global warming. I won't even accept an offer of hot sex from an even hotter woman unless she's limber enough to cowgirl up in a Prius.

It's a total brain-hump to think of nature having this much power. Imagine a different world where magicians could develop some kind of potion to spray on these things and kill them...

Seriously, how fucking easy is it to invade Liberia? If the caterpillars can overrun 45 towns, imagine what you and I could accomplish with guns and a can-do attitude. I have no idea what Liberia is like but these "take over a country before lunch" opportunities don't come along much any more. I don't even have to be a dictator, I just want a palace and a staff.

They'll give it to me or I'll bring back the caterpillars.

Total penises.

Another Reason Nature Sucks

Motherflocking pigeons.


Can't just be content with invading our cities and literally shitting on the things most precious to us, can you, you ungrateful winged mini-Satans? Now you have to invade England?

What kind of fucking food do you think you'll get there that you can't find in New York? Man, pigeons are so not down with Zagat!

Yeah, I bet global warming will get the blame for this too. I wouldn't be surprised if every last one of these birds has been hiding in Al Gore's ass, feeding on nothing but hypocrisy and waiting to fly out and make a big drama queen point.

Just write me if you want me to set up a "Free BB Gun & Pigeon Shooting Lessons" page for the kiddies.